Interview with Bill BO'Reilly

BO'R: Okay, Santa, welcome to The Factor.

SANTA: Thanks, B—

BO'R: Santa? I'm sorry. Forgive me. Mister Claus? May I please say something?

SANTA: Of course. I'm sorry.

BO'R: Forgive me for wanting to finish my thought.

SANTA: I was—

BO'R: I'm sure you were. But doesn't it all come down to this? That a lot of Americans are just plain tired of your pampering their kids? Sure, you claim to care about whether they've been naughty or nice, but it's funny, isn't it—even the naughtiest kids end up getting the loot under the tree, don't they?

SANTA: Well, now, I wouldn't say th—

BO'R: Let me finish, and then I'll let you have your say. Is that all right with you? Can we agree to work that way? Or is that not how they do things at the North Pole?

SANTA: I, um—

BO'R: Thank you very much. Look, it's really very simple. You Santa Clauses are all the same. You think people can be made 'happy' by giving them presents. You BUY THEM OFF, Santa, and you could at least have the intellectual honesty to admit that.

SANTA: Oh, Bill, I don't think so. You see, Christmas is f—

BO'R: SHUT UP. SHUT. UP.

SANTA: I'm sorry. I thought you were finished.

BO'R: I'm not finished, Santa, and it sets a bad example for our kids when they see you constantly interrupt me when I'm trying to make a point. You do care about our kids, don't you? Because I'll tell you one thing—you sure talk as though you do. Is that all it is? All talk? Is it an act? Is it all one great big charade? Because that's obviously what it is. You have—can you at least have the decency to admit this?—you have an agenda. It's what I call "Santa's Agenda." But, you know, it's a funny thing—the more you really examine it, without all the hype and the spin and the half-truths and the outright lies, your agenda is just another tired version of the same old liberal program that Americans have overwhelmingly rejected for the past three hundred years.

SANTA: Three hundred? Bill—

BO'R: Correct me if I'm wrong, but it all comes down to this, doesn't it: Give everybody presents. Give everybody whatever they want. If they want a baseball glove, give them a glove. If they want a Barbie doll, give them a Barbie. If they want an abortion, give them an abortion. Or am I wrong?

SANTA: I, um, you, yes, you are wrong, Bill, because—

BO'R: SHUT UP. SHUT. UP. SHUT UP. You know, maybe for once you should try to do something that's right for America. Wouldn't that be a nice change of pace?

SANTA: There's no need to be sarcastic, Bill.

BO'R: Oh, I'm sarcastic? Okay, you're right, Santa. I'm sarcastic. I'm really, really sarcastic.

SANTA: Well, you are.

BO'R: Now you listen to me. I don't care who you are, Santa Claus or no Santa Claus, I'm going to say what I think. And you can try to censor me, you can try to deny my right to express my opinion—I don't care. You try to shut me down one more time, I'll take a swing at you right here, tv or no tv.

SANTA: I wasn't trying—

BO'R: Okay, let's be real. All right? Let's strip away all the pretense, and all the evasions, and let's tell the plain, simple truth. For once. Please? Or as you would probably say, Pretty please? Wouldn't that be a nice thing? I challenge you to do something nice for the American people. For a change. Wouldn't that be an interesting change? The great liberal Santa Claus, for once doing something that benefits ordinary Americans?

SANTA: Well, but I bring presents to the children—

BO'R: Oh, yeah. Come on. Not that same old tired "I bring presents to the children" line. You know, I have to tell you, Americans are just fed up with you and your agenda. In fact, I've had enough of you myself. The door is over there. And please, take your funny red hat with you. We have to break away, but when we come back, Sean Hannity will sing "God Bless America" until he bursts into tears. You won't want to miss it, so stay with us.

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